Tag: baby

Otto’s Baby-Led Weaning Journey

.Reading time 14 minutes.

I started researching Baby-Led Weaning when I was pregnant, and Carlo and I knew right away it was something we wanted to do with Otto. Turns out it was one of the best decisions we ever made for our son! 

What is Baby-Led Weaning?

Baby-Led Weaning is simply the idea that your baby will start eating whole foods when they start solids, and that they will self-feed. There is a lot more to it, and I encourage you to do your own research, whether that is reading books or checking out websites devoted to it. But essentially, it’s the idea that babies do not need to be spoon fed purees. To me, baby-led weaning makes perfect sense and is very natural. But I do understand why some parents might be hesitant to try it. For years, we have been told to spoon feed our babies and start with only purees. But there is really no reasoning behind it, besides the fact that it might be considered easier and less stressful for some. When I started learning about the benefits of baby-led weaning, it really made my decision for me.

Benefits of Baby-Led Weaning

There are honestly so many benefits, and too many to list. I can’t stress enough how positive of an experience this has been with our little guy.

Firstly, exposing your baby to different textures of foods helps them learn to use their mouth/gums/tongue to move food around in their mouth and chew. Babies will get messy, but this is just a part of the process. Letting them play with and explore their foods helps them become independent with their eating, and it also will lead to less texture aversions in the future. It also allows for babies to be and feel in control of their eating, and they will learn to start trusting their hunger cues (and other instincts). They get a chance to eat as little or as much as they please, and know when they are full. It is also a great way to expose babies to allergens, and contrary to old beliefs, exposure is key (not avoidance)! Babies also get a chance to build their fine motor skills, like palm gripping spoons and foods, as well as developing their (adorable) pincer grasp. The process of picking up and moving food to their mouths is such a great way for them to develop coordination. So, you can see that BLW goes way beyond just the food aspect.

Where to Start?

I would recommend starting with doing some basic research on BLW. If you find that you want to consider it, I would then suggest taking a Baby-Led Weaning course or something like a Starting Solids/First Foods course with a BLW focus. There are tons out there by reputable dietitians, and they are available to do online at your own convenience. A great time to do it is when you are pregnant! I would look for a registered dietitian and/or nutritionist who specializes in baby and/or childhood nutrition. Go browse on Instagram and TikTok and look for someone whose content you enjoy. Most of these content creators will offer some sort of course, and they are very reasonably priced for what you are getting. I took a course with The Baby Dietitian and it was awesome; I learned so much and it made me feel SO much more confident when starting solids with Otto.

I would also recommend taking a Baby First Aid/CPR course. This will give you the confidence you need when watching and supervising your baby eat pieces of food. Besides this, it is critical knowledge for any parent to have. These courses are easy to find online, and your local hospital may even offer them for free!

Finally, let family know this is the route you are going – especially family members who will be taking care of your baby or taking part in their feeding journey. If you have family coming to take care of your baby, you want to make sure they are on the same page and keep your feeding routine consistent.

An easy BLW dinner – baked salmon, steamed broccoli, steamed carrots

Otto’s BLW Journey

We started Otto on solids one week before he turned 6 months old as recommended by our paediatrician. It was exciting, nerve-wracking, messy, and hilarious all at the same time. Some of his first foods were steamed broccoli with butter and nutritional yeast, slices of and mashed avocado seasoned with lime and garlic powder, sweet potatoes, whole grain toast, scrambled eggs, and yogurt mixed with peanut butter. At first, there was a lot of play involved and not a whole lot of consuming. It got better and better every time though. For the first couple of months Bailey ended up eating probably 50% or more of what I actually prepared for Otto. Between what he dropped and what he just didn’t eat, she was a lucky dog (she still is – to this day she lies by his high chair for every meal). 

One thing I learned while cooking and prepping for Otto was not to be afraid of spices and seasonings. The only things I really avoided were added salt and sugar, and of course honey before he was 12 months old (it can cause botulism in infants under one year). A common misconception people have is that baby food has to be bland. This could not be further from the truth! Why shouldn’t babies try new flavours? From the start, I cooked for Otto with garlic, onions, tons of herbs (such as basil and cilantro) and other spices like cumin, ginger and smoked paprika. I think this really helped him develop his palette for a variety of foods!

We started off with one meal and gradually worked our way up by adding meals and snacks over time. Two meals turned into two meals and a snack, which eventually turned into three meals and two snacks. You might wonder how you will know when to transition or introduce more food, but truthfully it becomes very intuitive. Your baby will give you signals that they are ready for more food (like finishing all their meals when they didn’t before, or making gestures or sounds for food). The beauty of BLW is they learn to honour their hunger cues, so they will naturally assist you in this process!

OK, I’m convinced… but what about the mess?!

Honestly, coming from me, a clean freak, I can tell you that it’s not as bad as you think it’s going to be. We bought one of those splash mats to put under the high chair but never ended up using it – we found it easier to just wipe the hardwood floor right after. And, having a dog definitely helps with clean up. Seriously though.😅

I am not going to say it’s not messy. But I will say things are going to get messy no matter what when you have a baby. You can really only control the mess for so long until you just give in. At some points, they are going to grow into kids and be messy eaters… so really you are just prolonging the inevitable. My advice is to think about the benefits your baby is getting out of it and allow them to enjoy their meal, then deal with the clean up immediately after. It’s when things pile up that it’s not easy to clean. And in all honesty, every single meal is not going to be disgusting. A few will be, but most will be manageable. Yes, your toddler is going to throw pasta with sauce all over the place. Yes, at times the wall is going to be splattered. But it all washes off. And it’s all part of the fun. It makes for funny photos and memories too!😁

BLW is messy but worth it, something you will hear all BLW parents say!

What We Noticed With Otto

As I said before, there are countless benefits. With Otto, he really is not a picky toddler like everyone said he would be. Yes, he definitely has more “preferences” these days, and some things he used to love are useless at this point, but that is also just part of normal toddler development. Otto has always been open to trying new foods, and for the most part has a wonderful and healthy appetite. Family and friends are often impressed when we go over to their places or go out to eat!

We also notice him honouring his hunger cues… pretty much all the time. If he wants more, he says “more” very enthusiastically. If he is not feeling particularly hungry, he pushes food away or leaves it. Now he is even starting to tell us “all done” and hands us his bowl or plate (or tells us to give it to Bailey). Otto will run to the fridge or kitchen when he wants a snack. I love this for him, because I know intuitive eating is such a healthy habit to have as he grows up. I want him to learn he can trust himself to make decisions for his own body, and I really believe BLW is a great entry point for that.

Lunch: Homemade chicken quesadilla, homemade hummus (actually super easy to make) and strawberries

Many Different Approaches

I want to stress that BLW is not a one size fits all approach. Like most decisions we make for our babies, there is a wide spectrum of options to choose from. The thing is, you can make BLW work for your family without having to check every single box. If you want to ease into it, that’s an option. If you want to take aspects of it and incorporate them into your feeding plan, that works too. If you want to start with a mix of purees and BLW, so be it! I love that this approach is not all or nothing and your baby can still reap the benefits even if you are not “all in”. I do think knowledge is power, and the more educated you are on something, the more confident you will feel going into it. As I lead with this post, start researching and see what you think!

For more inspiration…

I also have an entire TikTok playlist devoted to BLW with tips, amazing recipes, and more!

My Breastfeeding Journey

.Reading time 14 minutes.

As I am currently weaning my 16 month old, I have been reflecting a lot lately on my breastfeeding experience. I figured now would be a good time to write about the ups and downs and what these 16 months have been like for me as a first time mom. It has by no means been easy, but I am grateful for and amazed by what my body has done for my son.

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. That means I may earn a commission if you purchase through my links, at no extra cost to you. I only share products I personally recommend and use in my own motherhood journey. As an Amazon Associate I earn commission on qualifying purchases.

The First Few Hours

After giving birth, everything is such a blur. I remember thinking how natural it would be, holding my little newborn and having him breastfeed for the first time. Boy was I wrong! My first experience with breastfeeding was with the postpartum nurse guiding me. She roughly grabbed my boob and started massaging it, and I was not expecting that😅 – it HURT! She pushed Otto onto my nipple and said that I really have to “shove him” onto it. She wasn’t wrong of course, but I was surprised. It didn’t feel all that natural. In the hospital I ended up hand expressing colostrum and feeding it to Otto because I wasn’t all that confident in my latch yet.

The First Few Days

At home, I started getting the hang of it. I think having privacy and the time to bond with Otto was really helpful for me. He was latching well and I was happy! It was definitely something to get used to though. I couldn’t believe I was now a mom, let alone a breastfeeding mom. My body had just gone through so many changes and this was yet another one.

The first couple of days my body was of course producing colostrum (a.k.a. liquid gold). After two days my milk started coming in, first on my right side and a couple of days later on my left. This was unexpectedly uncomfortable and to be honest quite painful. I felt like my boobs were carrying a bag of rocks.

I fed on demand which ended up being every 1-2 hours, and even though I knew this going into it, the reality of it absolutely rocked me. Nothing prepares you for being someone’s lifeline 24/7. The days were long and hard but the nights were complete insanity.

I still can’t believe how
tiny he was here!

The First Few Weeks

I became pretty obsessed with making sure Otto was fed properly. I kept a note in my phone with the timings of all his feeds. I set alarms throughout the night for every 2 hours in case he didn’t wake me up (though he always did, and it was usually before the 2 hour mark).

I heard to avoid offering bottles for the first month while exclusively breastfeeding so baby doesn’t get confused and then only prefers bottles. So I stuck it out, and it was all me for three weeks. After this I would pump once a day so Carlo could use that milk to do at least one or two feeds. I also started a nice freezer stash this way which became really handy. I didn’t love pumping – the feeling of it was unnatural to me and I hated having all those cords attached. That’s when I started doing some research and I found out about the Haakaa(#ad). It’s a silicone pump that attaches so one breast while you feed baby on the other one. It catches all the milk that naturally comes out and it really relieved the feeling of constant engorgement that I had.

I’m not going to lie, breastfeeding, for me, was painful at the beginning. I remember crying every time Otto would latch and I would feel the milk come out. My nipples were in so much pain. I bought nipple shields to help with this, and they did provide a little relief. The pain only lasted a few weeks thankfully and went away naturally. Had it lasted any longer, I would have reached out to a lactation consultant.

Daddy giving Otto a bottle. This gave me a break, and allowed them to have extra bonding time.

Cluster-feeding (WHAT THE ACTUAL ****?!)

Cluster-feeding is when baby feeds multiple times within a short time period. So, instead of every 1-2 hours it can be every 30 minutes or even more often. It can last for a few hours or more (my first time this happened it lasted a full day). I had no idea what it was and I was confused, exhausted, and overall in shock.

The first time my baby decided to cluster-feed, my sister was over spending time with us. I kept thinking we would all be able to hang out, she could hold the baby, maybe I could get some rest. But… it just never happened. She ended up bringing me water and food all day while I was in bed feeding my hungry monster. TGFS (Thank Goodness For Sisters)! We laugh about it now, but it was really a WTF moment for us.

After it happened once, I Googled it and realized it was totally natural and normal. I dreaded the next occurrence but of course it continued randomly over the next little while. He was a growing boy after all!

Mastitis

It took me a few months but I did get into a good rhythm with breastfeeding and slowly started feeling more comfortable with it. Feeding was still on demand, but every 2-3 hours instead of 1-2 (yes, still often but the one hour made a huge difference). I was finally starting to get the hang of things and feel good about breastfeeding! That is, until mastitis happened.

Mastitis came out of nowhere and I feel like I have said this so many times, but I was not prepared for it! I had read about it while pregnant but for some reason I just figured it would never happen to me. After all, I was careful to do everything right while breastfeeding – like keeping clean, sterilizing pump parts, and feeding often and on both sides. Unfortunately I still got mastitis. I was in a lot of pain and had a high fever for days. Having to take care of a baby and breastfeed through this was truly one of the most difficult things I have done. If you want to read more about my experience, I go into more details in my blog post about it.

After I got better, I really considered stopping breastfeeding. I had to really think about the pros and cons but in the end I decided to continue on.

We’re Finally on a Set Schedule

After months of feeding on demand, we FINALLY reached a point where feedings were timed. Let me tell you, this made things so much easier. This was around when Otto was about 9-10 months old. I had been told that once baby starts eating solids (at 6 months) he would naturally stop breastfeeding as much. This was not the case for me. I had been looking forward to this magical moment that didn’t come until months later! When he did start dropping feeds, I was ecstatic. That’s when I decided to create a set schedule and it surprisingly worked really well for us. I thought Otto might be upset that I wasn’t feeding on demand, but he adapted to the schedule. I could finally leave the house feeling less anxious about being away from him. I knew I had to be back at certain times, so I was still restricted in a sense, but this was far better than wondering if he was okay without me.

A bedtime feeding.

Getting Easier… But I Want My Body Back!

I made it to the year mark. I was so proud of myself. My goal going into breastfeeding was 2 years, but after I started I changed my goal to 1 year. (Setting a goal without knowing what I was getting into was not realistic😅)!

I loved what my body was doing for Otto but I missed my freedom. I was often “touched out” and I know a lot of it had to do with breastfeeding. I also wanted to stop constantly thinking about my diet, caffeine intake, not being able to enjoy a drink, having to wear nursing friendly clothes, etc.

Starting to Wean

I really started making a conscious effort to wean once Otto turned a year old. Even though it was gradually and naturally happening, I wanted to move things along. 12 months was the magic number for me… I could finally relax knowing that after this age, breastfeeding isn’t necessary anymore. I felt so much relief knowing this, and that anything above this age was just a bonus.

After speaking to our paediatrician, I was told to cut one feed a week mainly so I could avoid discomfort or even mastitis. Nope, I did not want that again! I think this was also helpful in the sense that it didn’t shock Otto.

We tried substituting 3% cow’s milk with each feeding that was cut, but he rejected it for quite some time, until one day he didn’t. Now he drinks it just fine! I did notice he was grumpy for a few days with each reduced feeding, so I would distract him with snacks and extra cuddles.

Almost The End

Fast forward to today, Otto is 16 months old and he is down to simply one breastfeeding session per day. It’s always at 7pm, right before bed time. While it still does keep me “hostage” a bit, it’s a vast difference to what I was doing just a few months ago. I decided I can handle once every 24 hours. I am able to do whatever I want during the day and that is so liberating for me.

I don’t know how long I will continue to do this evening feed, but for now it’s working for us. Maybe Otto will naturally grow out of it, or maybe things will change in the next few months. Whatever happens, I am so proud of myself for how much I have accomplished and been through with breastfeeding!

For My Personalized Recommendations:

Check out my full list of recommended Nursing Products (#CommisionsEarned).

I also created this TikTok playlist about my Breastfeeding Journey! ☺️

Some posts on this site contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a commission if you make a purchase. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Otto’s Routine – 14 Month Old Edition

.Reading time 12 minutes.

The last routine I blogged about was Otto’s 9 month old routine, and to be honest not much had changed with it until he turned 13-14 months old. We were really getting used to it, but like everything with babies, it was just a season.

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase through these links, I may earn a commission. As an Amazon Associate I earn commissions from qualifying purchases. I only recommend products I truly love and use.

Having Otto on a routine has been amazing and challenging at the same time. On the one hand, we know what to expect and can plan around it. Bedtime is set, and I think the established routine helps with his sleep (he is finally sleeping through the night)! On the other hand, I sometimes feel like a prisoner to his schedule. I find it hard to be spontaneous and break out of naps and wake windows. Overall though, I think the positives of having a routine outweigh any negatives.

HERE IS OUR TYPICAL DAY…

6:30am-7:15am Wake Up – Otto wakes up like clockwork around this time. Sometimes he will wake up crying but a few times recently he’s woken up babbling and singing – it’s super cute. Daddy gets him and changes him, then brings him to me so I can breastfeed him in bed. After he’s done he will go into his crib again for some independent play. Some days it lasts longer than others, but generally he plays about 15-30 minutes. This means Carlo and I can shut are eyes for this little bit of extra time (every minute counts)!

7:45am/8am Breakfast – Breakfast comes a little earlier these days as Otto seems to wake up ravenous. I’ve noticed his appetite has definitely increased and I feel somehow our whole day revolves around food. I’ve stuck to my meal prep and always have tons of options in the freezer, especially for breakfast when we have little energy. Some of his favourite breakfast foods include: whole wheat toast with butter, scrambled eggs, fruit, homemade oatmeal mini muffins, English muffins with peanut butter, pumpkin pancakes… the list goes on!

8:30am-9:15am Get Ready/Play – After breakfast I clean Otto up and get him dressed and ready for the day. I try to keep things calm in the morning and have him play in his room with me (rather than running around the condo like he does the rest of the time😅). If you haven’t heard of Lovevery (#CommissionsEarned), I highly recommend their Play Kits – these are truly some of Otto’s favourite toys. They keep him focused and engaged and allow him to learn rather than become overstimulated too quickly.

Morning Playtime!

9:15am-10:30am Morning Walk – I love to get us out for some fresh air every day. We used to use this walk for Otto’s morning nap, but he has transitioned down to only one midday nap a day instead of two, so now these walks are purely for leisure. He loves to look at the squirrels, birds, and passing dogs! I also like getting my steps in, and of course, stopping by Starbucks. Some days I will take him to the grocery store or nearby shops, but usually we just walk through the neighbourhood parks.

10:30am Snack – After we get home Otto has a small snack. Like I said, our day kind of revolves around food. Some snacks he loves include: bananas and berries, unsweetened applesauce, crackers and hummus, Babybel cheese, and Love Child Organic Oaty Chomps.

Snack time!

10:45am-12pm Play (Home or Library) – Depending on how we’re feeling, we will either head back out and go to the library or stay home and play. We are so lucky to have such an amazing library just steps away from us, with a huge section for babies and kids to roam around and explore. I try to take advantage of this and go at least 4 times a week. It’s a great change of scenery for me too, plus Otto gets to meet and interact with other toddlers.

The library is one of our favourite places.

12pm Lunch – For lunch I will either heat up some leftovers from last night’s dinner, or prepare something simple. Some of my go to lunch foods for Otto include: chickpea pasta with sauce, chopped up cucumber with a splash of vinegar, homemade chicken broccoli fingers, smoothie bowls, toast with Swiss cheese… what can I say, he has great taste!👌🏻

12:30pm-2:30pm Nap – As I mentioned earlier, we are down to just one nap a day. It wasn’t the easiest transition but we are happy with how it is working out now. Ever since Otto turned one, he began refusing at least one of his naps every couple of days. It got to the point where it was exhausting trying to keep him on a two nap schedule when it just wasn’t working. Nap refusal can be very stressful because while you want your baby to rest, you can’t force them to sleep. So, we ended up extending our morning wake window to around 5 hours and doing one long midday nap. If you have read my blog post on Otto’s sleep, you’ll know he has only stroller or contact napped since he was 4 months old. This is still the case!

We have been contact napping for a very long time 😴

2:30pm Snack – Yup…another snack! I mean, who isn’t hungry after a long snooze? I also try to give him a bit of whole milk at this time (I say try because he doesn’t love it). You may have noticed I haven’t mentioned breastfeeding since the 7am feed, and that’s because I am gradually trying to wean Otto off of it. Breastfeeding has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done longterm and I am so relieved to be down to two feeds a day.

2:45pm-4pm Play (Home or Library) – If I haven’t taken Otto to the library yet, we usually go during this window of time. Otherwise, I will basically just follow him around the condo while he explores, moves objects into random places, and uses his Skip Hop walker/scooter. It’s a lot of running around for me!

4pm Prep Dinner – I will either put Otto in his playpen or have him sit on the kitchen floor with some “high value” items (safe kitchen utensils) while I prepare some food for the evening. He hates being in the playpen so I tend to have him in the kitchen with me, even though it ends up taking three times longer to do everything (picture him wandering off every few minutes and me having to grab him).

The potato masher is his favourite ☺️

5pm Dinner – Though we’ve tried to prioritize family meals, more often than not dinner ends up being either me or Carlo sitting with Otto while he eats. I find that we aren’t hungry at this time and there’s also something so relaxing about eating in peace, on the couch, after Otto is asleep. Eventually this will change as he goes to bed later, but for now this is what works. He’s also extremely hangry by this point so 5pm dinner for him it is! Side note, if you’ve never seen a hangry toddler… well I wouldn’t recommend it!

5:30pm-6:30pm Family Walk – After dinner we usually take a long walk to wind down before the end of the day. It’s often hard in the winter months to do this because it’s so dark and freezing, but in the spring we have definitely been taking advantage of the mild evenings.

I love our fam❣️

6:30pm-7:00pm Bath/Nurse/Bed – We’ve continued our nightly baths since Otto was a newborn and he absolutely loves them. He really enjoys the water which I credit Carlo for; he’s been taking him swimming in our condo pool every couple of weeks since he was a few months old. We also recently enrolled Otto in Guardian Swim at our local city pool and he is really loving those classes too! So it’s no wonder he loves the bath! After the bath Daddy will pass him off to me to feed him and put him to bed. He generally goes down pretty quickly and easily (unless he’s teething or something else is bugging him). After he’s in his crib, it’s Mom and Dad’s time to chill out and relax (or work out, or do more work, or do laundry…)!

Days with an “infant-toddler-hybrid” are long and exhausting but they are hilarious and exciting as well. Though I am tired, I do enjoy this stage. I find it so fascinating to watch Otto learn and grow. Every day I feel like he wakes up a little different and with something new about him.

xx Maya

Otto’s Routine – 9 Month Old Edition

.Reading time 15 minutes.

I thought I was going to be that super chill mom who brings her baby everywhere, just adding him into my life with no stress. Turns out, I am the exact opposite!

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. That means I may earn a commission if you purchase through my links, at no extra cost to you. I only share products I personally recommend and use in my own motherhood journey. As an Amazon Associate, I earn commissions from qualifying purchases.

Creating a routine for my son did not come quickly or easily to me. It happened somewhat naturally along the way, but not until he was about 8 months old. Before then, we paid attention to wake windows and hunger cues, but it was hard to predict times for pretty much anything. We knew how many naps a day he needed, when bedtime would roughly be, and tried to base our days off of this.

Now that Otto is just over 9 months, and he’s FINALLY dropped down from three to two naps a day, we have him more on a schedule these days than ever before. While it has been challenging trying to make plans and have somewhat of a normal life, I definitely notice that the schedule we have fallen into really works for Otto (which therefore works for us as a family)!

I’m going to break down our typical day. Keep in mind every day is a little bit different and of course things will come up that may interfere with the schedule. We do our best to work around Otto’s routine and put him first before anything. It’s a sacrifice, but I know this phase is temporary, and soon enough the baby days will be over. Also, I want to stress that this is what works for us as a family. This might look entirely different than what you are doing with your baby, and that’s okay! I am simply putting this out there for anyone who is interested 🙂

6:00am-7:15am Wake Up – Sometime between these hours, Otto gets up and is ready for the day to begin. It’s usually around 6:30am, and the days he sleeps past 7:00am we count ourselves lucky. I feed him in bed, and then he plays (either in his playpen or we go to his room), until breakfast.

8:30am Breakfast – We almost always do breakfast at exactly this time since Otto’s already been up for a while. Some of his favourite breakfasts are: oatmeal with peanut butter and fruit, pumpkin pancakes, toast with almond butter, scrambled eggs, French toast, avocado… it really depends on what we have in the fridge and what we have time to prepare that morning.

9:00am Get Ready – After breakfast, Otto gets cleaned up because his eating can get very messy. We are doing the Baby-Led Weaning approach which involves allowing him to be in control of his meals; food naturally ends up everywhere. Thank goodness we have Bailey to help with clean-up😅. After he’s washed, I get him dressed (which for some reason he hates). Seriously, anytime I try to put a shirt on him he freaks out. He is getting SO strong, and twists and turns so aggressively which can make such a simple task quite difficult! Once he is dressed, I’ll offer to breastfeed him. Sometimes he goes for it, sometimes not. I always try though because our next “event” is a long walk and the last thing I want is to cut it short.

9:30am-11:00am Morning Walk + Nap (2-in-1)! This is one of my favourite parts of our day. We’ve been doing this consistently for months now and we all love it. It’s so important to get outside, enjoy some fresh air, and get moving. Otto loves being in the stroller and I love getting my steps in. Having Bailey is also a huge reason we do this; we literally can’t say no to our walks! If I haven’t had my morning coffee yet I’ll stop by Starbucks and get something to go – yet another benefit of getting out! I don’t know when this started but for a long while now, Otto has been passing out on these morning walks somewhere around 9:45am-10:00am and sleeps anywhere from 30 minutes to over an hour. I find it has become one less thing for me to worry about. Knowing I don’t have to battle him to get his nap in at home really takes some of the day’s stress off me. Nap time is definitely one of the things I have struggled with as a new mom, but that’s another blog post!

We love our morning walks

11:00am Snack – Once we’re back home, Otto gets a very small snack. We only started adding snacks in to our food routine pretty much right before he turned 9 months. I could tell he seemed to be getting hungrier before meals, so I decided to try offering something small at least an hour before his next meal so not to spoil his appetite. Some snacks he loves are: cucumber slices with hummus, Little Bellies puffs (#ad), a strawberry or piece of banana, a small piece of toast with butter. After his snack once again I will offer to nurse him.

11:15am-12:00pm Play – Playtime has become such an integral part of Otto’s day. He absolutely loves crawling around and exploring. He recently started pulling himself up to stand so he is having fun with this new skill as well. Sometimes I will sit with him while he independently plays and other times I will totally get right into it with him, depending on his mood.

12:00pm Lunch – Again, we do lunch at this exact time pretty much daily. Some of Otto’s favourite lunches are: cauliflower fritters, chicken-broccoli fingers, smoothie bowl with toppings, sautéed ground beef and smashed avocado, baked salmon… once again, depends on what we have prepped and available. I meal prep for Otto once every 2-3 weeks so that there are always a few options in the freezer. It makes life so much easier when you can just grab something and have it ready in 15 seconds.

12:30pm-2:00pm = Different Every Day! If we’re staying home, we will go back to playing. If we need to get groceries, now is our time to go. Sometimes we will have a visit from family or friends during this time.

2:00pm-3:00pm Nap 2 – This timing really does vary day-to-day. Otto will nap anywhere from 1:30pm-4:00pm for about an hour. I look out for his tiredness cues (getting grumpy, rubbing his eyes, not being interested in play). We do contact naps (see my blog post about baby sleep to find out how this came about), so I settle into the recliner with him and grab a book. I took up reading again ever since he started exclusively napping on me and it makes the hour pass by a lot faster than just scrolling on my phone. He also usually feeds on and off while he’s napping on me.

I do cherish these moments ❣️

3:00pm Snack 2 – After he’s up he’s hungry (almost hangry). I pick something from our faves and make sure it’s different than what he had for his morning snack. Strawberries are a fave of his.

3:15pm-4:00pm Walk – We usually go on a second walk around this time as it’s good to get out of the house (especially if we haven’t since the morning). It’s not as long as the first one and I’ll take a different route to change up the scenery.

Here we go again!

4:00pm-5:15pm Play – Yes, more play! I’m truly shocked by how much mental and physical energy babies have. They are constantly learning and taking in every little thing. I love watching Otto learn and get curious. I also love to get involved and use this time to goof around and attempt to make him laugh. If you haven’t heard your baby laugh yet, I promise when you do, it is the most magical thing in the world. Otto seems to already have such a sense of humour and laughs a lot throughout the day. At least someone thinks I’m funny😅.

5:15pm-6:00pm Dinner – We try whenever possible to have dinner as a family, but sometimes it ends up being Carlo or me sitting with Otto while he eats. If I haven’t had a moment to myself all day, I sometimes use this time to workout or go for a solo walk. Otherwise we enjoy sitting together and sharing a meal! What Otto eats for dinner varies so much. Our family meals are fairly simple and usually involve a protein, vegetable or potatoes/rice, and a salad.

Tonight’s menu: salmon, steamed broccoli and carrots with butter

6:00pm Bath – We’ve been doing bath time before bed since Otto was a newborn. We started when his umbilical cord fell off and we haven’t missed a day since! We don’t use soap every single day, but even just the warm water is so soothing for him. He LOVES the water and it really helps him to wind down and let him know the day is coming to an end. My absolute favourite bath product right now is babyganics Shampoo & Body Wash (#ad (Fragrance Free) – it’s so gentle and leaves his skin soo soft!

6:30pm Bedtime – After the bath we use a gentle lotion on him and then get him into his onesie and sleep sack (these are our fave) (#ad). I breastfeed him and he usually falls asleep within a few minutes if he’s really tired. Sometimes it takes up to half an hour to get him to sleep but it’s gotten easier recently. Once he’s out, I’ll put him in his crib in his room and make sure it’s nice and dark in there. We have our Hatch sound machine on a timer from 6:30pm-7:30am every day for some white noise in the background. Otto’s bed and bath routine is a non-negotiable at this point. It has taken Carlo and I a long time to establish this routine and it’s a relief knowing we can at least count on him getting to sleep at a set time. It does hinder us from doing much in the evenings but as I said earlier, it’s a temporary phase. Otto still doesn’t sleep right through the night (he’s up 1-3 times for a feed) so we don’t stay up too late but we do enjoy our evenings chilling out on the couch watching Netflix☺️.

And that’s our routine! It might seem pretty intense, but really the day kind of just flows naturally into this. Having a schedule helps me keep Otto on track to make sure he’s well fed, well rested, and content. I’m sure things will evolve as he gets older, as they have continuously changed since he’s been born, but for now we’re happy with what we’re doing!

Xx Maya

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My Birth Story!

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I don’t know why it’s taken me soo long to write this – I honestly wish I had written it while it was fresh in my mind. But back then, I barely had time to eat and shower. So here it is, 7 months later!

Disclosure: The post contains affiliate links. That means I may earn a small commission if you purchase through my links, at no extra cost to you. As an Amazon Associate, I earn commissions from qualifying products.

If you read my blog post about PPROM, you’ll know my water broke early. I was 35 weeks and 5 days, and was totally shocked when that happened to me. Of course, that’s why they say to expect to the unexpected. I was happily eating chocolate peanut butter ice cream on the couch while watching TV, when my water broke.

We went to the hospital and it turns out the baby wasn’t actually coming that night. He made us wait 10 more days for his arrival! (Read my blog post about PPROM to find out what happened when my water broke and during those 10 days in more detail)!

10 days after my water broke, it was Super Bowl Sunday and I was at the hospital for a routine NST. I had been going quite frequently to get checked on while my water was broken but I was not experiencing any signs of labour. The plan was for me to get induced the next day, which would be 37 weeks and 1 day gestation. I was already booked in and to be honest quite nervous. During my test, a doctor came and spoke to me about possibly doing the induction that day instead of waiting, as they had some space open up. I said I was going to talk to my fiancé, but I knew then and there it was a yes for me. It saved me a likely sleepless night because of all my nerves, and honestly I had been waiting long enough.

I went home to grab our overnight bag (and Carlo!), and we came back to have our baby! It’s a pretty cool feeling, knowing your baby is arriving within the next day or so. It’s like, “Hi, I’m here to be induced,” so casually. But there’s nothing casual about it!

Because of COVID, I was only able to have one support person with me throughout labour and delivery, and no visitors postpartum. Honestly, I did not mind this restriction. It was really beautiful just sharing the moment with Carlo, and having privacy as a new family for a couple of days.

Getting induced – ready to go!

We checked in around 3pm Sunday, and the process started pretty much right away. I was put on IV for Pitocin and it took a few hours to kick in. I remember thinking, hey this isn’t so bad! At first, the contractions were super spread out and felt very mild – almost like a tightness. Carlo was with me every step of the way but I was totally fine at that point. He had the Super Bowl on in the background on his iPhone. He’s a huge football fan and we always joked how we might have a Super Bowl baby (spoiler alert: in the end he wasn’t, he came the next day)!

Carlo’s Super Bowl Sunday set-up… one he will never forget.

The next thing I remember is going from “I’m ok” to “I’m definitely NOT ok” and needing Carlo to be glued to me, holding my hands and looking into my eyes. It happened really fast and it shocked me how intense things were getting. Contractions were becoming closer together, and they were painful. I know we’re not supposed to use terms like painful so we don’t scare other future mamas, but it’s what I felt.

Using a yoga ball for support. It helped with the earlier, less intense contractions.

Before I gave birth, I read so much on drug-free births and how to avoid having an epidural. I was convinced I could do it drug-free, and looking back I don’t know why I was so insistent upon it. I think I was partially terrified of the epidural. Being induced totally adds to the difficulty as well. Being attached to an IV and monitors the entire time really immobilizes you, and you really want to be mobile to manage your contractions. I fought through the pain for a good couple hours. The nurse showed Carlo some techniques to help me while having contractions (like squeezing my hips together from behind), but this was only minimally helpful. I cried, moaned, breathed, screamed, and cried some more. It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. My whole body would shake and I felt like I had no control over myself. Finally, during one contraction I cried, “I want my mommmmm,” and that’s when I knew it was epidural time. All my fears of the epidural magically disappeared.

Things were starting to intensify. I was still not considering an epidural at this point but it didn’t take long after…

The epidural kicked in right away and I was so grateful. The pain stopped and I was able to get some sleep overnight. The nurses kept having to reposition me in order to have the monitors working, so it was not the most comfortable sleep, but I rested on and off. It was immensely better than having to endure pain all night.

Around 9am I was told that I was ready to start pushing! The sun was shining, I felt good, and I was ready to deliver this baby. With a nurse on one side and Carlo on the other, I pushed through every contraction. Around 11am, the doctor was called in to the room as I was getting close to actually delivering. I had a little more work to do and was getting a bit tired but not drained. Hearing the doctor say, “He’s going to be out in the next push or two,” was such a crazy moment for me. Knowing the next seconds were going to change my life forever, I pushed with all my mental and physical power. I could see the doctor pulling out the baby, holding him up, and then he immediately placed him on my body. Skin to skin with my newborn was the best thing I have ever felt in my life. He was so beautiful. I remember looking at his little fingers, his lips, his perfect face. I was in love.

The best moment of my life. Wow, I am so swollen from all the IV fluids!

As he was lying on me, I knew the doctor was delivering the placenta, cleaning up down there and whatever else! But I honestly couldn’t even be bothered to think of it as I was completely enthralled with my little boy. We had picked out his name a couple weeks before, and seeing him confirmed – this is my Otto 🙂

Giving birth has changed my perspective on myself. It’s by far the most insane, beautiful, challenging thing I have ever done. It has made me see how capable and strong I truly am. I have such an appreciation for my physical body and my willpower.

Was I scared? Yes. Will I do it again? I have no idea. All I know is it brought me the best thing, my Otto, my pride and joy. I’m crying writing this; I don’t think I’ll ever be able to talk about this story without tearing up.

Good luck to any moms-to-be about to give birth. You have so much power in you and you’re going to get through it. Congrats to any moms who have just given birth. Every story matters, every experience is different and valid. We are all amazing.

Xx Maya

Check out my list of Postpartum Must-Haves. (#ad, #CommissionsEarned)

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My Experience With PPROM

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PPROM = Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes (AKA your water breaking earlier than 37 weeks pregnant).

I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, and we were about to watch an episode of Game of Thrones (we crushed the entire series during the pandemic). We had just finished a 2 hour online Postpartum Care class. I was indulging in my favourite Häagen-Dazs ice cream, chocolate peanut butter. Overall, it was a typical evening in my third trimester!

Except, when all of a sudden, I felt a really warm gush of fluid coming from down there. I got up and looked at the couch, and there was a small puddle of clear fluid where I had been sitting. As soon as I stood up, more liquid began dripping out of me. I looked at my fiancé in pure shock and horror and he already knew what I was about to say – “I think my water just broke!”

You see this in the movies and you hear about women having to go to the hospital early, but you never think it will happen to you. I was only 35 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I hadn’t even packed my hospital bag yet (I 100% should have had this done already, I don’t know why I put it off). Needless to say, I was not prepared for this moment!

The first thing we did – after panicking for a few minutes – was call Labour and Delivery at the hospital I would be delivering at. They answered promptly and instructed us to come in to check if my water had broken. We grabbed a few things and were on our way. At this point my fiancé and I thought we were having a baby that night!

When we arrived at the hospital, there was zero sense of urgency on behalf of the staff, and I eventually realized it was because my situation was not urgent. It just felt urgent to me because it was all so new and crazy!

The first thing they did was check if in fact my water had broken. Apparently, many women come in thinking their membranes have ruptured to discover it had only been urine. Somehow, I instinctually knew this was not the case. I am very in tune with my body and this felt really different.

Over the next hour, they took a swab, did a cervical exam, checked if I was dilated at all, and attached external monitors to my belly to make sure baby was okay. It was finally confirmed that my water had broken. I felt nervous, scared, excited, and overwhelmed all at the same time. This wasn’t part of the plan!! I was under the impression that once your water breaks, baby is coming. That’s what the movies make it seem like at least. Boy was I wrong.

An on call doctor finally came to see me with some options for us to consider. Unfortunately, she wasn’t all that informative and she kind of rushed through things. We ended up doing a bit of our own research after we spoke to her because we felt like we needed to. A very kind nurse named Linda also explained things in more detail, and essentially “told us without telling us” what she thought we should do. Since I was not yet 37 weeks, my baby was not considered full term, so there was a lot to consider.

Here were the options given to us:

-Be induced then and there, in an effort to avoid an infection which could lead to complications (once your water breaks, your body is susceptible to infection).

-Start on penicillin IV and take antibiotics for up to 10 days to prevent infection, while waiting for labour to start naturally. Stay in hospital until labour occurs.

-Plan to be induced at 37 weeks if labour does not begin naturally; antibiotics can’t be continued past this time (10 days was the max recommended) so risk of infection outweighs the benefit of keeping baby in the womb.

Nurse Linda explained that keeping the baby inside me even just one extra day closer to terms is so much better for the baby. So, we decided with option 2 and 3 if necessary. I was transferred to a private room a couple of hours later (I was so exhausted, by this point it was already around 2am). Carlo couldn’t stay with me so he went home to grab a few things for me and brought them back, and we said goodbye for that night! It was pretty emotional because we hadn’t spent a night apart basically our entire relationship. Not to mention I was scared and this was a huge thing that had just happened! I had no idea what was going to happen and I kept picturing labour starting any minute, and I never thought I would be alone for that. In the end, that’s not what happened, but I was still nervous!

The morning after night 1 being in the hospital. Staying positive 🙂

Over the next few days, I was extremely uncomfortable. Being in a hospital 24/7 (with limited visiting hours because of COVID) is extremely boring and depressing. I was attached to an IV for penicillin, which actually burned going in. It made it super difficult to get a proper sleep. I also had to take antibiotics every 6 hours so I was woken up for that when it was time. Plus being attached to monitors throughout the day, and having vitals checked at any given time, was pretty annoying. The absolute worst part though, was leaking amniotic fluid the entire time. Again, another pregnancy thing you don’t really know about until you experience it. Your body naturally replenishes amniotic fluid, so it doesn’t stop leaking once your water breaks. I had to wear huge pads and even double them up to absorb all the liquid. I honestly had to change these pads pretty much every hour. The catch is, it’s a healthy sign and you want there to be consistent clear fluid. So I just had to keep telling myself, it’s good that this is happening. It means the baby is safe and healthy in there. Didn’t make it any less gross or uncomfortable!

After a few days they ended the penicillin drip, and I just continued on the antibiotics. Labour had still not begun and I was getting more anxious and restless by the day. I wasn’t on bedrest thankfully, so I would walk the halls to get some steps in. Carlo came pretty much every day during visiting hours. He was still working so he would bring his laptop and work from the hospital. It was just nice to have him around for company. I felt so alone most of the time.

Passing time with Carlo during visiting hours

After three days of staying in my private room (which I had gotten so used to), my doctor notified me they would be transferring me to the Postpartum Unit, because they were running out of space in this wing. Apparently they needed private rooms for COVID positive patients. I understood, but it was a major bummer, as the postpartum rooms were tiny and shared, with a shared bathroom. I took one look at the bathroom and knew I wouldn’t be able to feel comfortable changing my pads frequently in there. It was dirty and if you’ve ever been in postpartum, you know there’s bound to be blood. I felt like it was so ironic – they were trying to prevent an infection yet here I was in a dirty bathroom. It didn’t make sense! It was also super loud as the room was shared, and there were crying babies. Not to be a diva, but I was so stressed and needed rest and relaxation before giving birth. Postpartum should be exclusively for postpartum. It’s a completely different experience in there once you’ve had the baby. Nothing seems to bother you as much because you’re there recovering and you have your beautiful baby with you.

I was so misplaced and I felt very forgotten at this point. I became so anxious and emotional that I knew I had to get myself home. I made an extremely difficult decision to leave, against doctor’s recommendations, because instinctually I knew it was better for my mental health. I had to sign a waiver to leave – not going to lie, it felt very scary. But I had considered all the options and made my decision based on many factors:

⁃ I was not going to get any sleep or proper rest in this area

⁃ I was afraid of getting and infection merely from using this washroom

⁃ We live under 10 minutes driving distance from the hospital

⁃ I knew the signs of labour I was supposed to look out for

⁃ I knew to come back to the hospital immediately if the leaking fluid became discoloured or bloody or had a foul odour

⁃ I was given a prescription to continue the antibiotics until I reached 37 weeks

Considering all of this, I felt like going home was the best decision I could have made. And I was right. I felt so much more comfortable and was able to rest and sleep. I was extremely diligent with checking the fluid, keeping an eye on my temperature in case of fever, doing kick counts, and just being in tune with how I felt overall. I also went to the hospital every couple of days to do a Nonstress Test. Towards the end of my 36th gestational week, we were pretty much going to the hospital every day to get checked on. I really didn’t mind doing it, if it meant I could be at home the rest of the time. (Please note I am not encouraging anyone to leave a hospital against doctor’s orders. Every circumstance is unique and I simply had to make the best decision for myself).

Comfy at home after leaving the hospital

Every day dragged on because essentially the baby could come at any moment. I have to say, that week felt like the longest week of my life! Not to mention, I had friends and family excitedly checking in daily wondering if there were any updates. In the end though, labour never did start naturally. I finished the course of my antibiotics and ended up being induced right at the beginning of my 37th week (on Super Bowl Sunday) – read my birth story for more details!

Back at the hospital for my NST

PPROM is obviously something nobody plans for. In a sense, I was lucky because it happened closer to me being full term. Apparently it can happen very early on and I can only imagine what that would have been like. I really only had to deal with it for a week and a few days.

Here are some things that helped me with PPROM:

⁃ Stay clean, and change pads as often as you need to. Now is not the time to ration. I hated the feeling of leaking so I would change my pads every hour (sometimes more).

⁃ I recommend Kotex or even Poise jumbo pads meant for incontinence. If you can somehow get your hands on hospital pads, those are great too.

⁃ Wear comfy underwear, likely a size bigger to accommodate the pads. Hospital underwear (disposable) are amazing, if you are able to get some.

⁃ Keep moving (unless your doctor tells you not to). I hated sitting in bed, so I would walk as much as possible. I stopped my prenatal workouts and yoga because that would have been too uncomfortable, but walking definitely helped me stay sane.

⁃ Drink a lot of water. It helps replenish your amniotic fluid and is good for the baby. It does make you leak more but it’s just one of those things you have to deal with for the benefit of the baby.

⁃ No baths! Only showers. (Unless doctor tells you otherwise).

⁃ Relax! Catch up on some reading, watch TV and enjoy the moment. Read some trashy magazines. Things you won’t have time for when baby is here!

If you are dealing with PPROM I wish you a safe, healthy, and comfortable journey with the rest of your pregnancy.

Maya

The Dreaded Mastitis

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I was just over 3 months postpartum and finally – TRULY – starting to feel more myself and like things were becoming somewhat manageable. I was starting to exercise again, get out more, and feel less stressed out being at home alone with the baby. Things were looking up!

Enter mastitis. Just when things were getting good, they got really bad, really fast. And I say really fast because one of the characteristics of mastitis is that it can come on very suddenly, and for me it certainly did.

Exhausted, in pain, with a high fever… and feeding through it.

If you don’t know what mastitis is, it is an infection of the breast tissue which causes pain in the breast as well as flu-like symptoms. If you google it, you’ll find that about 10% of breastfeeding women will develop it at some point, but I suspect that number is on the low end. When I posted about my struggle with mastitis on my personal social media account, almost every single mom I knew reached out saying they had suffered from it at some point. (This is why 10% seems low to me). The doctor who I saw when I suspected it said it is extremely common amongst breastfeeding women. Apparently, simply because we are lactating, we are more susceptible to getting these types of infections.

Another important thing this doctor told me was that it was not my fault. If you google it, you will find all sorts of ways moms are shamed and blamed into thinking they somehow caused themselves to welcome this infection. From poor latching to not feeding or pumping often enough, the potential causes listed are numerous. This made me feel like a failure at breastfeeding and a bad mom for putting my baby through me being sick. Which is why I cried at the doctor’s office when he said it was absolutely not my fault, and he tells all women the same thing. Again – simply because we are lactating, means we are more susceptible to bacteria somehow entering our breasts, which can lead to infection.

Anyway, it was Wednesday morning when I noticed the smallest most insignificant pain in my left breast. The kind of pain that reminded me of doing one too many push-ups. I had recently started working out again so this could very well have been the reason. While the tiny pain lingered all day, I ignored it. It wasn’t until 8:30pm that night, while I was sitting on the couch watching TV, that I started shivering excessively and felt like I had the flu all of a sudden. I instinctually went to bed and just covered myself in as many blankets as I could. I could not stop shaking – it reminded me of the shakes I had while in labour. That night I sweat through the sheets, was freezing cold, literally could not get up (fiancé had to bring the baby to me for feedings), and my entire body ached. I could feel my left breast becoming harder and it felt hot to the touch. It got more and more painful throughout the night.

The next morning I self-diagnosed myself with mastitis after googling it and realizing I had every symptom. I went to see the doctor and he confirmed it was in fact mastitis. I was prescribed antibiotics, and I was so grateful for that. I’ve heard of women treating it naturally but I honestly don’t think I could have. It actually got so bad I didn’t think the antibiotics were working, but they do take 2-3 days to kick in. Mine took 3 days to show any signs of improvement. Actually, it did get a little worse before it got better. By day two of antibiotics I still had quite a high fever and the lump in my breast felt massive.

I was also very anxious because my milk supply seemed to be dwindling, especially on the infected side. I kept feeding my baby through it and I could tell he was sucking longer than normal to get the amount of milk he needed. Apparently nursing is the best cure, because it really works out the lump. I remember one night waking up with my nipple so engorged (it reminded me of a roasted marshmallow) and nothing relieved the pain. I tried pumping, a hot cloth, using a haaka… nothing worked. Finally my son woke up for a feeding and as soon as he was done, I felt so much better.

Have you heard of using cabbage leaves for relief?

I also tried cabbage leaves for temporary pain relief. They are also used for weaning so you have to be careful not to overuse them. Twenty minutes on, 3 times a day, is the most that is recommended while breastfeeding. I washed and dried a few leaves each time, and kept them super cold in the fridge. They were actually very relieving. I could feel the excess fluid sweating out of my breast, if that makes any sense. I envisioned the leaf pulling the infection out of me. I know it sounds crazy but this type of thinking is so important!

After 5 days I finally started feeling better. I had 7 days of antibiotics total so I gave myself that entire time to rest and heal even though I was feeling good. I wasn’t jumping straight back into exercising or doing too much.

If anything, mastitis reminded me to slow down. As a breastfeeding mom of a 3 month old, I am already so busy and usually physically exhausted. Breastfeeding (literally) takes a lot out of you! I think I was pushing myself too hard to do too much (counting my daily steps, doing HIIT rides on the Peloton 5 days a week, errands, cleaning…) – I sound nuts just writing this!

I was fortunate to have my Mother-In-Law come over for a couple days to watch the baby while I was sick. She kept the baby occupied in the other room while I napped and rested, and she brought him to me for feedings. She was a literal Godsend, because taking care of a baby while that sick is almost impossible. I know not everyone is as fortunate to have help on demand, but if you do have the offer, just take it. Whether it’s a mother, sister, friend or neighbour, just say yes and go to bed. It will make a huge difference in your recovery.

If you are suffering from mastitis, know you are not alone. Many have experienced it and have made it through, stronger on the other end. Seriously, there was a point where I felt like I was never going to get better. It’s really awful and it can be scary, but you WILL make it through after a tough few days. Take care of yourself ❤

My Battle With Postpartum Anxiety

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My struggle with postpartum anxiety began almost immediately after coming home from the hospital.

To be honest, I didn’t even know it was a thing. I had heard of Postpartum Depression and hoped I wouldn’t experience it. I never realized that there were so many different Postpartum Mood Disorders and what they encompassed.

My mind began racing the moment I got up in the morning, randomly throughout the day, and of course during those sleepless nights with a newborn. I wasn’t constantly anxious, but I was consistently overwhelmed and experiencing thoughts I never imagined could enter my head. Thoughts about my baby’s health and safety, how I would feel if something were to happen to him… and these weren’t just passing thoughts – they were very disturbing and graphic in my mind. I also felt like there was no way I could take care of him day and night, that somehow I wasn’t good enough (all while taking care of him day and night, being completely good enough). I couldn’t rationalize a lot of things and I put way too much pressure on myself as a new mom.

I remember this morning. I had put the baby down for a nap after trying ridiculously hard. The neighbours were doing renos and the noise that day was outrageous. Of course, Otto woke up shortly after and would not sleep. It all felt like too much.

Just to give you an idea of what was racing through my mind at any given time:

  • I’m not feeling well. Am I sick? What if I pass on a sickness to my baby
  • I’m so exhausted but I can’t nap. I don’t know how to. I don’t trust anyone else with him while I sleep.
  • What if something horrible happens to him? How will I go on?
  • I don’t feel like myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally … it’s not me.
  • I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want any visitors and I definitely don’t want anyone touching him or holding him.
  • He’s so tiny and fragile. I have to be so careful.

It also manifested itself in other ways which I can identify now:

  • Recording every single feeding (for weeks) on a note in my phone. And I’m not talking generally, I mean every single time a feeding started and ended I would write down the exact time to the very minute. Day and night. I honestly don’t know what this was for or why I did it.
  • Sacrificing my well being for no reason. I barely showered and convinced myself that I had no time. Somehow taking care of myself meant I wasn’t taking care of the baby.
  • Feeling extremely lonely but also wanting to be alone. 

I felt like I couldn’t explain this to anyone and if I tried no one would understand. 

Anxiety is not obvious. Anyone looking at this photo would think I look totally fine. In reality, this was a very hard day and I was putting on a happy face.

My anxiety started Day 1 at home (after bringing home baby) and was severe for about 8 weeks. After that, it was still present and lingering but thankfully diminished quite a bit. Now, 3 months postpartum, I still have some of those intrusive and irrational thoughts but I am starting to feel less anxious and more myself. Instead of the anxiety being consistent, it comes in little spurts. I can identify when I’m feeling this way and know it will pass.

Looking back, I wish I had done more research on postpartum. I wish I had known that what I was experiencing was totally normal. I’m not sure if it would have changed anything, but maybe I would have been a little more equipped to accept and manage what I was going through.

If you are suffering from postpartum anxiety, I hope you will find comfort in knowing you are not alone. It will not last forever. I know it can feel like the world is crashing in on you and it will never get better, but I promise you it will. Soon, you will have a day that is somehow easier than it’s been before, and you will think to yourself, “I can do this!” – these days will slowly come more and more often until they eventually outnumber the difficult ones. You WILL start to feel more like yourself again, slowly but surely. Just take it one day, one hour, even one minute at a time. You will get through this.

xx Maya

The Mother is Born

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A friend of mine, who also happens to be a mom, explained something to me recently when I was telling her about my postpartum struggles and experience. I told her I didn’t quite feel like myself and that so much of me had changed, mind and body. She said, “When the baby was born, the mother was also born,” and nothing had ever made so much sense.

Moments after Otto was born!

We spend so much time preparing for baby while pregnant (which is absolutely necessary). Baby registry, baby shower, nursery Pinterest boards, actual nursery, buying clothes in every size and washing/folding them perfectly before baby arrives, baby baby baby! In my experience, I would say I spent one tenth of the amount of time and energy prepping for postpartum and becoming a mom, and that’s being generous. Most of that time was spent on making a hospital bag list (I didn’t even end up packing the bag cause my water broke early, but that’s another story!) and taking one 90 minute prenatal class devoted to postpartum care. In comparison, my baby registry had over 100 items on it. For every item, I googled studied blogs and watched YouTube videos so I could pick the best product in each category. I devoted hours to researching diaper pails and bottle sterilizers, and left myself in the dust.

Nobody really warns you what you’re in store for postpartum. I guess partially because every woman will experience it differently, and perhaps because no one wants to scare you. But I think it’s even more scary because we don’t talk about it all that much.

Postpartum – especially the first time – is the emergence of a new being known as mama (or mom, mommy, whatever you want to call her). Physically and emotionally, she is a new woman combined of bits and pieces of her old and new self. The thing is, the new self literally happens overnight. We take years and years developing ourselves and growing as individuals, but become mothers over a 24 hour period. We are expected to snap into this new role and carry on with life as usual, with our little additions. Except it isn’t that simple.

Besides the sleep deprivation, the physical pain and recovery, and the shifting hormones, all while taking care of a helpless newborn, the new mother must come to terms with her new identity:

  • A body that is softer and squishier.
  • Breasts that are full and sore and leak at any given moment.
  • Nipples that ache.
  • Tired eyes and dark circles.
  • Pyjamas, baggy clothes, messy hair.
  • Being responsible for another human’s life and well being.
  • Meeting all of the baby’s physical and emotional needs, all the time.
  • Putting the baby before herself in every single situation.

This all would take some time getting used to, but the problem is, there is no time! Like I said, we become moms overnight. That’s why we’re amazing. It’s difficult, but it’s also beautiful. It’s ok to mourn old parts of ourselves and want our free time. It’s ok to feel like it’s all too much. At the same time, we feel the deepest love and devotion for our babies.

So give yourself the chance to come into motherhood on your own terms. Don’t be fooled by unrealistic expectations and pressure. Realize how much you have been through in such a short amount of time, and be kind to yourself.

xx Maya