Author: thatrealmama

Hi! I'm Maya, and a mom to two beautiful boys. I love music, singing & songwriting, fitness, and crafting.

My Battle With Postpartum Anxiety

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My struggle with postpartum anxiety began almost immediately after coming home from the hospital.

To be honest, I didn’t even know it was a thing. I had heard of Postpartum Depression and hoped I wouldn’t experience it. I never realized that there were so many different Postpartum Mood Disorders and what they encompassed.

My mind began racing the moment I got up in the morning, randomly throughout the day, and of course during those sleepless nights with a newborn. I wasn’t constantly anxious, but I was consistently overwhelmed and experiencing thoughts I never imagined could enter my head. Thoughts about my baby’s health and safety, how I would feel if something were to happen to him… and these weren’t just passing thoughts – they were very disturbing and graphic in my mind. I also felt like there was no way I could take care of him day and night, that somehow I wasn’t good enough (all while taking care of him day and night, being completely good enough). I couldn’t rationalize a lot of things and I put way too much pressure on myself as a new mom.

I remember this morning. I had put the baby down for a nap after trying ridiculously hard. The neighbours were doing renos and the noise that day was outrageous. Of course, Otto woke up shortly after and would not sleep. It all felt like too much.

Just to give you an idea of what was racing through my mind at any given time:

  • I’m not feeling well. Am I sick? What if I pass on a sickness to my baby
  • I’m so exhausted but I can’t nap. I don’t know how to. I don’t trust anyone else with him while I sleep.
  • What if something horrible happens to him? How will I go on?
  • I don’t feel like myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally … it’s not me.
  • I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want any visitors and I definitely don’t want anyone touching him or holding him.
  • He’s so tiny and fragile. I have to be so careful.

It also manifested itself in other ways which I can identify now:

  • Recording every single feeding (for weeks) on a note in my phone. And I’m not talking generally, I mean every single time a feeding started and ended I would write down the exact time to the very minute. Day and night. I honestly don’t know what this was for or why I did it.
  • Sacrificing my well being for no reason. I barely showered and convinced myself that I had no time. Somehow taking care of myself meant I wasn’t taking care of the baby.
  • Feeling extremely lonely but also wanting to be alone. 

I felt like I couldn’t explain this to anyone and if I tried no one would understand. 

Anxiety is not obvious. Anyone looking at this photo would think I look totally fine. In reality, this was a very hard day and I was putting on a happy face.

My anxiety started Day 1 at home (after bringing home baby) and was severe for about 8 weeks. After that, it was still present and lingering but thankfully diminished quite a bit. Now, 3 months postpartum, I still have some of those intrusive and irrational thoughts but I am starting to feel less anxious and more myself. Instead of the anxiety being consistent, it comes in little spurts. I can identify when I’m feeling this way and know it will pass.

Looking back, I wish I had done more research on postpartum. I wish I had known that what I was experiencing was totally normal. I’m not sure if it would have changed anything, but maybe I would have been a little more equipped to accept and manage what I was going through.

If you are suffering from postpartum anxiety, I hope you will find comfort in knowing you are not alone. It will not last forever. I know it can feel like the world is crashing in on you and it will never get better, but I promise you it will. Soon, you will have a day that is somehow easier than it’s been before, and you will think to yourself, “I can do this!” – these days will slowly come more and more often until they eventually outnumber the difficult ones. You WILL start to feel more like yourself again, slowly but surely. Just take it one day, one hour, even one minute at a time. You will get through this.

xx Maya

The Mother is Born

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A friend of mine, who also happens to be a mom, explained something to me recently when I was telling her about my postpartum struggles and experience. I told her I didn’t quite feel like myself and that so much of me had changed, mind and body. She said, “When the baby was born, the mother was also born,” and nothing had ever made so much sense.

Moments after Otto was born!

We spend so much time preparing for baby while pregnant (which is absolutely necessary). Baby registry, baby shower, nursery Pinterest boards, actual nursery, buying clothes in every size and washing/folding them perfectly before baby arrives, baby baby baby! In my experience, I would say I spent one tenth of the amount of time and energy prepping for postpartum and becoming a mom, and that’s being generous. Most of that time was spent on making a hospital bag list (I didn’t even end up packing the bag cause my water broke early, but that’s another story!) and taking one 90 minute prenatal class devoted to postpartum care. In comparison, my baby registry had over 100 items on it. For every item, I googled studied blogs and watched YouTube videos so I could pick the best product in each category. I devoted hours to researching diaper pails and bottle sterilizers, and left myself in the dust.

Nobody really warns you what you’re in store for postpartum. I guess partially because every woman will experience it differently, and perhaps because no one wants to scare you. But I think it’s even more scary because we don’t talk about it all that much.

Postpartum – especially the first time – is the emergence of a new being known as mama (or mom, mommy, whatever you want to call her). Physically and emotionally, she is a new woman combined of bits and pieces of her old and new self. The thing is, the new self literally happens overnight. We take years and years developing ourselves and growing as individuals, but become mothers over a 24 hour period. We are expected to snap into this new role and carry on with life as usual, with our little additions. Except it isn’t that simple.

Besides the sleep deprivation, the physical pain and recovery, and the shifting hormones, all while taking care of a helpless newborn, the new mother must come to terms with her new identity:

  • A body that is softer and squishier.
  • Breasts that are full and sore and leak at any given moment.
  • Nipples that ache.
  • Tired eyes and dark circles.
  • Pyjamas, baggy clothes, messy hair.
  • Being responsible for another human’s life and well being.
  • Meeting all of the baby’s physical and emotional needs, all the time.
  • Putting the baby before herself in every single situation.

This all would take some time getting used to, but the problem is, there is no time! Like I said, we become moms overnight. That’s why we’re amazing. It’s difficult, but it’s also beautiful. It’s ok to mourn old parts of ourselves and want our free time. It’s ok to feel like it’s all too much. At the same time, we feel the deepest love and devotion for our babies.

So give yourself the chance to come into motherhood on your own terms. Don’t be fooled by unrealistic expectations and pressure. Realize how much you have been through in such a short amount of time, and be kind to yourself.

xx Maya

 

Allow Me to Introduce Myself!

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Being a new mom, I breastfeed my baby quite often. I started “journalling” into my iPhone notes while feeding him, because I had so much running through my head, and I couldn’t really do anything else with my hands (and the online shopping was getting excessive)! I decided to translate those notes into this blog.

Being a first time mom has been life changing, and I know navigating the process alone can be tough. That’s why I wanted to share a piece of my life with other moms. If any of my journey can help you in some way, this blog has achieved its goal.

I will be sharing REAL life stuff – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Motherhood is a huge mix of all of this, and I don’t intend on sugar coating it!

So, who am I?

Well, of course, I am a mom. I gave birth to my first baby, a boy, on February 8th, 2021. His name is Otto, and I couldn’t be more in love.

I am engaged to an absolute catch of a guy – Carlo. It’s the type of relationship I pictured my entire life but didn’t know I would actually find. I am one lucky girl.

Carlo, me, and Otto. The fam!

I spent the majority of my 20s working in restaurants. It gave me the flexibility to choose my own hours and live a non-conventional lifestyle. It was fun, exhausting, and I made a lot of friends along the way.

I hold a Bachelor’s Degree in Environmental Studies from the University of Toronto and a Post Graduate Certificate in Human Resources Management from Humber College. I really had no idea what I wanted to do for the longest time! Although I am not working in either of these fields, I am very proud of my education. I am currently working in the Arts & Entertainment industry as a Bookings Coordinator (on mat leave).

One of my biggest passions in life is music – specifically singing and songwriting. For a while, I tried really hard at pursuing a career in music. I attended international songwriting camps, recorded original songs in multiple studios, released music on Spotify and other major platforms, and performed at local venues. I don’t think I’ll ever really give up on music, though at the moment it’s become more of a hobby as my priorities have shifted quite a bit recently!

I love traveling (sadly, I haven’t in a while due to COVID). Some of my favourite places so far have been Bali, Spain, Laos, Amsterdam, Nicaragua, and Tulum. My most memorable trip was a solo vacation to Caye Caulker, Belize. I can’t wait to hop on a plane again and explore some more new places!

I have a beautiful English Cream Golden Retriever named Bailey. She is honestly the sweetest, quirkiest dog you will ever encounter. I got her for my 25th birthday, and she is almost 9 years old now.

Me and Bailey

Some of my other hobbies include baking, crafting, and fitness. I love staying active by walking around the neighbourhood, hiking, and getting in home workouts whenever I can.

Above all I love spending time with family. My perfect Friday evening involves cooking or ordering dinner, a bottle of wine (pre-baby), a movie in the background and playing Scrabble. This looks very different with a 3 month old baby but eventually I’ll start having more of these nights again (I think?)!

I hope this gives you a bit more of an idea about who I am, and who is behind the blog!

xx Maya