My struggle with postpartum anxiety began almost immediately after coming home from the hospital.

To be honest, I didn’t even know it was a thing. I had heard of Postpartum Depression and hoped I wouldn’t experience it. I never realized that there were so many different Postpartum Mood Disorders and what they encompassed.

My mind began racing the moment I got up in the morning, randomly throughout the day, and of course during those sleepless nights with a newborn. I wasn’t constantly anxious, but I was consistently overwhelmed and experiencing thoughts I never imagined could enter my head. Thoughts about my baby’s health and safety, how I would feel if something were to happen to him… and these weren’t just passing thoughts – they were very disturbing and graphic in my mind. I also felt like there was no way I could take care of him day and night, that somehow I wasn’t good enough (all while taking care of him day and night, being completely good enough). I couldn’t rationalize a lot of things and I put way too much pressure on myself as a new mom.

Just to give you an idea of what was racing through my mind at any given time:

• I’m not feeling well. Am I sick? What if I pass on a sickness to my baby

• I’m so exhausted but I can’t nap. I don’t know how to. I don’t trust anyone else with him while I sleep.

• What if something horrible happens to him? How will I go on?

• I don’t feel like myself. Physically, mentally, emotionally … it’s not me.

• I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want any visitors and I definitely don’t want anyone touching him or holding him.

• He’s so tiny and fragile. I have to be so careful.

It also manifested itself in other ways which I can identify now:

• Recording every single feeding (for weeks) on a note in my phone. And I’m not talking generally, I mean every single time a feeding started and ended I would write down the exact time to the very minute. Day and night. I honestly don’t know what this was for or why I did it.

• Sacrificing my well being for no reason. I barely showered and convinced myself that I had no time. Somehow taking care of myself meant I wasn’t taking care of the baby.

• Feeling extremely lonely but also wanting to be alone. 

I felt like I couldn’t explain this to anyone and if I tried no one would understand. 

My anxiety started Day 1 at home (after bringing home baby) and was severe for about 8 weeks. After that, it was still present and lingering but thankfully diminished quite a bit. Now, 3 months postpartum, I still have some of those intrusive and irrational thoughts but I am starting to feel less anxious and more myself. Instead of the anxiety being consistent, it comes in little spurts. I can identify when I’m feeling this way and know it will pass.

Looking back, I wish I had done more research on postpartum. I wish I had known that what I was experiencing was totally normal. I’m not sure if it would have changed anything, but maybe I would have been a little more equipped to accept and manage what I was going through.

If you are suffering from postpartum anxiety, I hope you will find comfort in knowing you are not alone. It will not last forever. I know it can feel like the world is crashing in on you and it will never get better, but I promise you it will. Soon, you will have a day that is somehow easier than it’s been before, and you will think to yourself, “I can do this!” – these days will slowly come more and more often until they eventually outnumber the difficult ones. You WILL start to feel more like yourself again, slowly but surely. Just take it one day, one hour, even one minute at a time. You will get through this.

xx Maya